I can't even say it to your face because I know I don't really mean it.
But I want to.
I want to hate you because you hurt me.
You hurt me so I want to hurt you.
That's how it is supposed to work.
But I can't.
You did this to me.
You broke my heart.
You broke my heart.
You are supposed to be the one person in the world who doesn't hurt me.
But you did.
What does that say?
When I think about you my heart physically hurts.
When I think about her all I see is red and hatred.
I tell people I hate her and I think I really feel it.
I think about what I would say if I saw you.
I go over different scenarios in my head.
Even there I know I can't say what I'm thinking.
I know I can't say it because it's not the right thing to do.
I am taught to forgive but I can't forgive you.
I don't want to forgive you.
Why should I?
You caused me pain.
When I think about causing you pain I get more angry because anger keeps the hurt away.
Heartbreak can't hit me when I'm mad.
Why did you do it?
Why couldn't I have it good for a little while longer?
I needed you.
You left.
I don't know what I will do when I see you again.
Will I cry?
Will I scream?
Will I pretend you don't exist?
I want to do them all.
I want to hit you.
That's what it felt like you know.
It felt like you punched me in the gut with a sledgehammer.
It felt like you punched me in the gut with a sledgehammer.
I thought I meant more to you.
Why does she win?
Why does she get to say hurtful things to me?
Why don't you defend me?
Why am I not your little girl anymore?
You changed my world.
More like you brought it falling down around me.
It's hard to rebuild it from 4,000 miles away.
Being away makes it easier to accept.
But it makes it harder to forget.
I feel like I can't tell people because I will get pity.
Part of me wants to tell everyone so they know what you did.
I want them to know that you gave up our family for her.
We may have been small but it was enough.
You messed it up.
I don't hate you.
But I want to.
