A Letter To The One Who Hurt Me

I hate you. 

I can't even say it to your face because I know I don't really mean it. 

But I want to.

I want to hate you because you hurt me. 

You hurt me so I want to hurt you.

That's how it is supposed to work. 

But I can't. 

You did this to me.
You broke my heart. 

You are supposed to be the one person in the world who doesn't hurt me. 

But you did. 

What does that say?

When I think about you my heart physically hurts. 

When I think about her all I see is red and hatred. 

I tell people I hate her and I think I really feel it. 

I think about what I would say if I saw you. 

I go over different scenarios in my head. 

Even there I know I can't say what I'm thinking. 

I know I can't say it because it's not the right thing to do. 

I am taught to forgive but I can't forgive you. 

I don't want to forgive you. 

Why should I?

You caused me pain.

When I think about causing you pain I get more angry because anger keeps the hurt away. 

Heartbreak can't hit me when I'm mad. 

Why did you do it?

Why couldn't I have it good for a little while longer?

I needed you. 

You left. 

I don't know what I will do when I see you again. 

Will I cry?

Will I scream?

Will I pretend you don't exist?

I want to do them all.

I want to hit you. 

That's what it felt like you know.
It felt like you punched me in the gut with a sledgehammer. 

I thought I meant more to you. 

Why does she win?

Why does she get to say hurtful things to me?

Why don't you defend me?

Why am I not your little girl anymore?

You changed my world. 

More like you brought it falling down around me. 

It's hard to rebuild it from 4,000 miles away. 

Being away makes it easier to accept. 

But it makes it harder to forget. 

I feel like I can't tell people because I will get pity.

Part of me wants to tell everyone so they know what you did. 

I want them to know that you gave up our family for her.

We may have been small but it was enough.

You messed it up.

I don't hate you. 

But I want to. 

One Day

one day i am not going to be here to constantly talk to you about everything. 

one day i am going to wise up and realize that you just use me for entertainment. 

one day you will wish you took that chance. 

one day i am going to be glad i finally did take a chance and ran with it. 

one day you will see that i am so much more than you ever thought. 

one day i am going to be able to say that i am most definitely over you. 

one day we'll be more than friends. 

one day i will tell you how i really feel. 

one day you will be sorry that you weren't there. 

one day i won't have to put up with any of your crap. 

one day the friendship we thought we had will be tested. 

one day we will see if everything we had really meant anything. 

one day we will find the ones who are meant for us. 

one day i will find my way through the world. 

one day i will be the person i have always wanted to be. 

one day you will have to actually be there. 

one day everything will change. 

one day it will all happen. 

"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time."--Abraham Lincoln

xoxo

-Sam 

get out, leave, come back

i attended my high school's graduation this weekend. i didn't want to go. truthfully it's because i didn't really care enough about the majority of the class. being that they are only two years younger than i, they were just a pain in school. i was friends with a select few and that was it. but by certain circumstances i found myself attending with some former classmates and friends who i am still very connected through. for those reading and unaware of my school. it's small. i mean all grades in one building small. i never hated it. i actually loved it. but i diverge. so as i'm sitting on the bleachers that i have sat on so many times before watching these graduates it made me think. just two years ago i was them. i was unsure of where my life was heading. i didn't know what would happen when i walked out of that gym that night. truthfully then i was excited and sad on the outside, but i think i knew things were changing quickly. i was set to attend a college that i thought i loved, but wasn't completely sure because it was a second rate decision after not getting into my first choice. (it was a tough entrance). as it will turn out this college will the one of the best decisions i have ever made in my life. but that's another story for another day.

so i am sitting here watching a few of my friends and their classmates accept awards, watch their senior video(school specialty) and hear the speeches. turns out the one true friend in the class was salutatorian. he and the valedictorian gave a joint speech. it was funny and great. i was proud. then came their speaker. he was the history teacher whom i had for 3 years of high school. (bit of a history nerd). he got up there and i instantly knew that this speech would be great. it was basically a history lesson and inspiration in one. and even though i was no longer the graduate everything he said to me resonated. that's right the man is that good. he can touch a college junior in the crowd as well as 50 graduates. he told them how lucky they were to grow up in a small town. we are the heartland of America. that we are more like family than classmates because we grow up together and have each other's backs.

BUT here is the kicker, he said we need to leave. get out of town and discover the world. find out who you are and what you want. at this point in the speech i wanted to stand up and yell "Amen" and "Hallelujah", but i didn't. i wanted to do this because it is so true. being that graduate only two years earlier i have seen the results of not leaving. some of us couldn't leave for various reasons. others couldn't get out of there fast enough. i was lucky and smart enough to get out, but not forget where i came from. i still come home every weekend to see my family. some say that i'm stupid and not enjoying college. if you had my family you would understand. they mean absolutely everything to me. but again i diverge. then there are my classmates who had the chance to get out, but didn't. they stayed at home and went to community college. or they stayed and went right to work. sure some of these people are happy with that life, and that's great. i am not putting them down.

but then i see those that are miserable. have you ever heard the saying, "i live in a town that everyone hates, but never leave."? i live in that town. i have friends that complained about how they hated iberia and couldn't wait to get out. you know what? those are the ones that are still there and still complaining. they are stuck in their high school state of mind. they can't accept the fact that we moved on. they can't accept that nobody cares that they were fall fest queen or how many points they scored in a basketball game. these people peaked in high school. they were the greatest they will ever be in high school. and that makes me sad. because i have experienced the possibilities that are offered outside of that small town, and they are grand. i feel that everyone needs to experience this. sure that's not the case for them all and they may do great later. but that's not what i'm talking about.

i think we need to get out to appreciate what we have. which is exactly what the speaker said. i swear the man was linked to my brain. we have to get out. we have to experience the world. we have to fail. we have to lose. we have to win. we have to love. we have to laugh. we have to travel. we have to do all the things that we have ever wanted to do that we couldn't while in iberia. for me that is being a college cheerleader for two years. only to come to realize that i'm done. that chapter is over in my life. 10 years is enough. it will always be in my heart, but it's time for something new. like travelling. finally studying abroad to London. finally getting to do something that nobody i know has done yet. to be the one who proves that the girl from iberia is not just some small town hick. to be the one that can spend 5 months in a country where nobody knows her and make new memories and friends. then come back and spend my last collegiate year throwing all caution to the wind. the great thing about doing all this. is that we can come back.

we get to come back. we can go everywhere and anywhere we want. we can do as we please and forget everything we have ever done. but when the time comes, if it ever comes, we can come home. we don't have  to get out forever. just long enough that we realize that our home is exactly that, OUR home. it will be the town where it all started. it's where the dreams began. me, i will come home. i don't know when or why, but i will come home. whether it continue to be every weekend until i die, or when i graduate college and get a teaching job. i have never hated my home. maybe because my junior year i almost had it taken from me. i think it was then that i realized how much this town meant to me. how much the people in this town meant to me. how much it will always mean to me.

so what i really want to say to those graduates that will probably never read this. get out. do not stay in this town. leave. experience life outside of iberia. trust me. it may be terrifying, but i promise it is worth it. it will make coming home so much sweeter. warning you will feel like an outcast at first. that awkward encounter when you feel excluded from everything. but then you will reunite with your friends and family and that goes away. remember that it's okay to not want to come back for a while when you leave. remember that it's okay to want to come back the second you're gone, but don't come back yet. but do come back. share your accomplishments, people will be proud. some will be jealous, but frankly that just means you're doing something right. know that the second that you walked across that stage that your life was changed for good. accept it. embrace it. work it girl. do it all. just leave home to do it.

"Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to."
John Ed Pearce

follow me on twitter @sammajamma26

xoxo
Sam

Stress

it's such a stupid thing. yet we deal with it everyday. we stress about what we look like, how we feel, how others feel about us. we are constantly stressing. i'm stressing right now. i feel like i have 100 things to do and a minute to do it all in. i'm stressed that i won't get my homework done. that i'm not going to get that study abroad position. i will miss all these deadlines. i will let people down. stress. six letters that make us feel like our worlds are crumbling in front of us. why do we let it get to us?


why do we stress about things that are so insignificant? granted some of these things are important, but don't stress. one thing i fail to remember most times is to let go and let God. this is how i wished i lived my life. why can't i? why can't i trust that God will take care of it all and stop stressing about it? i know he will. i know that. yet when it comes to it i feel that my stressing over it will what? make it better? nope probably makes it worse. then why can't i just go with my faith and focus all this energy on something else. i think we all have this problem. some of us won't talk about our stress because we don't want to burden friends. you know what, tell them! they are there for that exact reason (if not find new ones because your current ones suck!) lay down and just let it all out to somebody. tell them everything that you're feeling. that will help more than you know. some of hold it in until we crash and burn into a big ugly mess. then we are farther behind than we were to begin with.

then again stress makes us work. it's when we are really feeling the pressure that some of us lock our sights in on our obstacles and blow them away. we get everything done and finally feel relief. i think stress is natural for us all. it depends on how we handle it. feeling stressed? go do something you love. go for a run. walk. or just a workout. you will not regret it. i promise. when you feel like you're going to be crushed by everything you have to do, get out. get away. put your favorite music on, plug those headphones in, and forget the world. sooner or later you will need to come back to it all. but you will have had your breathing break and be able to conquer it with a fresh mind. some people suggest taking naps. i do not. if you're like me naps turn into 3 hour out of it for good snooze fests. also,

 don't set unrealistic expectations for you to succeed. you want to write a 10 page research paper, an educational psych paper, attend a softball game, work 5 hours, workout, and dominate world hunger. yeah sorry not going to happen. you're going to end up sitting in the middle of your floor crying to whoever answers their phone first. that's another thing. just cry when you get stressed. it does you well to cry sometimes. i'm not saying you need to sit for hours and blubber and bawl. that's unnecessary. but shed some tears. but then wipe them off and kick ass. that's how winners are made.

don't let stress ruin your life. you will get through it all. we all will. just remember that you have friends and family willing to help you out. again if you don't lose those idiots they're worthless. keep your head up and a smile on your face.

"Being in control of your life and having realistic expectations about your day-to-day challenges are the keys to stress management, which is perhaps the most important ingredient to living a happy, healthy and rewarding life."--Marilu Henner

xoxo

--Sam

follow me on twitter @sammajamma26

Stop&Do

stop over thinking situations you cannot control.
stop saying you're going to start changing and then return to your old self.
stop telling yourself you're not good enough for someone because of how you look.
stop saying you can't do it, you can and you need to.
stop trying to control those things you can't. some things are out of your hands.
stop putting things off. get them done and move on. you will be much happier and feel accomplished.
stop letting others affect how you feel about your life. you're happy they can go eff themselves.
stop letting your looks (or how you think you look) dictate if you're happy.
stop being afraid to take chances.
stop holding resentment for people.
stop being afraid to let your hair down and get a little crazy. you deserve it and maybe need it a little bit.
stop caring that people are going to judge you for doing the above.
stop obsessing over if his words mean something else (we have all done it, not cool).
stop saying presh, you sound like an idiot.
stop being ashamed of your smile and body. you're beauty is more than skin deep.
stop telling yourself that's not true.
stop looking for love in all the wrong places.
stop thinking every guy is "the one" chances are he's an idiot.
just stop all of it.

do let yourself fall madly in love.
do take chances even though you might completely fail.
do study abroad in london and don't be afraid to never want to come back.
do go home every weekend and enjoy your family. those are precious memories you can't get back.
do go home for the pure fact that you are sick of everyone and everything at college.
do openly admit that you are a straight up nerd and proud of it. you never know who will love it.
do love that boy band with all of your heart. who says you can't be young with 12 year olds.
do have those days where you lay on the couch and act like a veggie.
do let the right guy in when he comes around.
do just have fun with life.
do let loose and maybe be a little bad.
do change your life because you can.
do start a healthier lifestyle so you can feel confident and pretty.
do stay up late so you can listen to music that you think has a deeper meaning. it does.
do get dolled up just because you can.
do it all.

i think we all need to stop and start doing. some may say that doesn't make sense because you have to be doing something to stop it. well those people can suck my big unpoetic big toe. i'm trying to be deep here people. let it happen. i mean stop the mundane and unnecessary crap we all do everyday. start doing things that matter, that have sustenance and purpose. do those things you never  thought you could. stop doing those things that don't matter and start doing those that do.

“Do it badly; do it slowly; do it fearfully; do it any way you have to, but do it.” 
― Steve Chandler

xoxo
-sam

follow me on twitter @sammajamma26

Don't Be That Girl

boys. let's get to the truth. they are life ruiners. they come in here acting like they own the world, steal our hearts, and then what? i'm not one of those girls who hates all boys. but i do see a boy and just "love" him. i don't mean real love, i mean "love". it's more of a deep attraction that makes me say, "i am going to marry him and have his babies." i'm kidding here people, well a little bit. i see girls trying to get guys all the time. and i notice that they go about it the wrong way. girl get your shit together. boys don't want a girl to be skanky and easy. well some do, but lets face it we don't want or need those boys. so here are some tips on what NOT to do.

• do not text him repeatedly. this goes for everyone. i don't care if you are starting to crush or been dating for 5 years. clingy is never cool. you hear me? NEVER! just don't. 
• do not get jealous, and if you can't do that don't show it. while sometimes guys think it's cute that their girl is jealous, most find it annoying. be confident and don't let the boy think otherwise. keep your friends close and your enemies closer. 
• do not cute text him. you know what i mean by this. let's give an example. "HEYYYYY! :) OMGSH you are too presh! aren't you just adorbs!! :)" NO this is not acceptable! it looks like you're some crazy ass valley girl who can't handle talking like a normal person. 
• do not stalk him. whether this be in person or in private on your computer. it's okay to look him up once on fb, but don't obsess over what he's doing, who he's with, and where he's at. YOU ARE NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND. and if you are have some trust for your man. and if you can't trust him don't date him. 
• do not tell random people that you are talking. if you start telling people and he gets word of this, he will freak. 
• do not assume that he feels the same way. it can be scary to have feelings for a new guy, but you cannot think a 'hey' means 'i love you'. 

these are some simple rules that all girls should remember. sometimes it's hard for us to follow them because well we are girls. so when you finally do get that guy that is beyond perfect. keep him close and don't scare him away. 

"immature love says: 'i love you because i need you.' mature love says 'i need you because i love you.'--Erich Fromm

xoxo

-Sam

follow me on twitter @sammajamma26

Sisters

sisters. such a small word with a big meaning. i have doing a lot of thinking about this lately. i have one sister. she's two years younger than me. we have had the typical relationship of sisters with a few twists. we are alike in a few ways, but different in many. i must tell you that i'm writing this in bed at 11:30 at night. my room is dark and my roommate is asleep in her bed across from me. i'm probably making a lot of noise with my keyboard. So if you ever read this i'm sorry, but this needed to be said.

me and my sister got really close this past summer. we were learning how to be apart (parents divorced and we split & went one with each). it was really nice. we started doing anything and nothing together. we talked everyday and we became best friends. it was nice having someone i could always count on. we bonded over the silliest things and it worked for us. about a month ago we had a huge fight. it was sort of ridiculous and stupid but it happened. we both tend to be a bit stubborn and mean when we want to be. the reason i think we got so  mad is because we didn't like how the other was reacting. i'm emotional, and she is not. it's just how we are. so we went weeks without speaking. let me just tell you now that it was some of the most lonely weeks of my life. i didn't talk to her everyday and it was weird. but i always found things that i wanted to tell her, but i couldn't cave first (there's that stubborness). so i let us grow apart and that bonding slowly faded. now we are talking again and it just feels weird. i feel like i am talking to a friend that i haven't seen in years. i feel like i can't be myself because i don't want to cause another fight. this isn't how sisters should be, right? we should be laughing and enjoying our lives together. but we're not because of a stupid fight that shouldn't of been such a big deal. i wish we could go back to how we were... 

i miss talking everyday about our boyband obsession and how one of us (not me) has a crush on their teacher. i miss going to get starbucks together. i miss getting a cupcake to go along with our starbucks. i miss talking about how she will go off to college in a year when i can remember her as a kindergartner. i just miss all of it. i'm sure we will get back there someday when we're older and realize all these petty fights were just that. 

i'm not sure if she will ever read this. or if i will ever tell her that i posted about her. but i do know she was the first person i told that i made a blog because i knew she would understand. i know she is a wonderful and strong, independent girl who will change the world. i know that no matter what happens that i love her more than anything and i will do anything for her. i know that this summer i will celebrate us seeing our loves in concert and act like 12 year old girls. i know we won't care about anyone who judges how we are, because we are sisters. i know that even if we fight that our tattoos will always be a reminder of our bonds. nothing can change the fact that she is my sister. and she always will be. 

Hebrews 6:19 states we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. 

do you have a sister? are you talking? are you friends? if not make it right. one day all you will have is your sister. she will be everything to you. 

“Sister. She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child.” --Barbara Alpert

xoxo

-Sam

follow me on twitter @sammajamma26